Coming Home – Thoughts on Life After Travel and What the Future Holds
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I guess that you can describe the feeling as surreal; yea, surreal is how I would describe this feeling. It’s as if I’ve awaken from a beautiful dream, suddenly realizing that I’m living in a very repetitive and unchallenging reality.
Back in March 2016, Ash and I landed at the LAX airport feeling defeated. The wheels touching down upon that tarmac was the sound of our grand journey across Europe coming to an end; we were coming home. We’d spent the past eleven months trotting across Eastern and Western Europe with one goal, to create a sustainable life on the road. However, reality came crashing down, plummeting us into the depths of its void, when our bank accounts hit zero with no promise of success in sight which left us with the thought that this whole trip was a waste of time.
Ash and I both had to swallow our pride and accept a generous offer from my parent’s to move in with them while we got back on our feet. They live in Grover Beach, a small sleepy beach town in California, about five miles from where I grew up. I did everything I could to look at this as positive step toward our dreams and not a negative one but I could see the devastation in Ashley of having to come back to California, coming home. I tried to ignore the feeling of despair that was slowly engulfing me. At that moment I needed to be the optimistic one so I never told Ashley that I felt defeated as well.
I would tell her,
“Look our first guide book will be coming out in December; look we will be living by the beach rent free. What a perfect place to lay low and write our book. Look in 2017 we will be back on the road heading to South America.”
I kept repeating this everyday, because all of this is true but it could not vanquish this sadness in me. I was forcing myself to be positive because I did not want to admit that I felt defeated. I truly, with all my heart wanted to believe that we had not failed.
Despair is a devastating feeling; it has a way entrenching itself in every facet of your life. It destroys your drive, it consumes all of your energy. It is a free fall into darkness where your mind can’t find the exit. It hollows you out and creates a shell of who you once were. Just because I was trying to ignore it does not mean that I wasn’t being consumed by it. My dream of traveling just continued to look more and more impossible.
I would watch Ashley working hard on our dream while I sat on my phone feeling hopeless. I was doing nothing to help our situation; I was just making excuses of why I was not working. All the while, I was getting frustrated with Ashley for not hiding her frustration of being back in California, at coming home. I was not frustrated at her, I was frustrated because I could not admit to myself that I was frustrated as well. All I could do was dwell on it.
I was convincing myself that the reason why we’ve not been successful was just bad luck, not because I was not pulling my weight. I was convincing myself that a singular day of hard work would make up for all the days of being lazy. I was in denial; I was in denial of how I was feeling and I was in denial of how little effort I was putting forth towards our success. I knew the truth and I know that it’s been Ashley who is pulling both of our weight to keep our dream from sinking. It is Ash who has been carrying all the responsibility on her shoulders. That guilt of knowing that I am the one holding us back was eating away at me.
Every morning I have been putting on a smile and telling everybody that I’m doing well and that everything is fine. Before I knew it, this feeling of despair and failure had crippled me; it had paralyzed me and I have been too afraid to tell anybody that I am not doing okay. I hate that I had to come back home with nothing to show from our travels, from our supposed business. I hate that I have been letting myself feel sorry for myself. I hate lying to myself; I hate the fact that I am not still on the road. I hate the fact that I have let Ashley down.
I hate that I have let myself feel so defeated and feel so hopeless. I am frustrated and all I want to do is blame someone else but the only person to blame is myself because I am the one who has not been putting in the work to be successful. I am the one who has been so afraid of failure that I have paralysed myself. I hate the fact that I have given up and no longer believe that I can do this.
I hate the fact that I am scared. I am scared that everything is not going to work out. I am scared, I am frustrated, and all I want to do is scream!
The answer should be easy right?
Just get over it; change. Stop being lazy; stop overindulging in vices that hurt you. Just become a BLOODY ADULT! I know I yell at myself in my mind everyday. Stop being the problem and be the change that I want to see in myself. That is the funny thing about this feeling hopelessness, it like a sludge that engulfs you and poisons your ambition. It strangles everything that allows you to change. It slowly eats you alive. I know this feeling. I have been through it before and I know how hard it is to fight it.
I know there is no reason to be depressed. I have a very blessed life. I have a family who loves and supports me in everything I do. Who are there for me physically and emotionally. I was able to spend the last seven years traveling and living in amazing places. I am grateful for having all of this; I am grateful that I have the ability to go out and take chance without any true fear of ending up on the streets.
I am very privileged in that respect. That is why coming home is so hard, because I feel like I have let everybody down, I feel as if I’ve lost. The idea of “why don’t you just grow up and get a real job” is sneaking into my mind. Which is all a fathom of my imagination because nobody is saying that.
Coming back home, coming back from where I started 8 years ago just feels like defeat. This drastic change in life has been very tough on me. It has been very tough on Ashley. We have put so much at risk to do what we did and it just seems like we have lost and I can not find the motivation to carry on. All I want to do is give up and go to bed.
So what am I going to do?
At this very moment, as I write this, I’m fighting this drowning sensation that I am feeling inside. The only difference is that I am no longer trying to hide my frustration with our situation. I am no longer trying to subside my frustration with unhealthy vices. I am letting it all out and I am for once being honest with myself.
I am done with making excuses; I am tired of just being a shell of who I used to be. I am tired of letting my fear of failure control me. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself. It is time for me to sit up and pull my own weight, it is time to be honest; it is time to fight back against this feeling of hopelessness by actually putting in the work that is needed. It is time for me to realize the only way of truly failing is by giving up.
Yes, I am frustrated that I’m back home; yes I am frustrated that things did not work out the way I wanted to the first time. I am frustrated and that is okay because I am no longer going to allow that to paralyze me. I am going to use it as fuel.
By this coming December, Ash and I will have a published book, and we will be back on the road again. And we will be both putting in the work to make us succeed and we will not stop. I will no longer allow myself to get in the way of what I want to do and that is to spend my life exploring this wonderful and mysterious world. I no longer want to be afraid.
I owe it to myself and I owe it to Ashley to put everything I have into our dream and not let despair take over me again. I am tired of just talking and that is why I wrote this to put this out there for everyone to see so that I have to keep myself accountable.
I think coming home was a good thing I think it was the exact thing I needed to remind me what I want and not to accept anything less.
I would like to thank my family for all the support and love they have shown me. I love being able to spend time with you all. I am extremely grateful to have all of you in my life. I know how lucky I am that I am able to come back when things do get tough and have your support.
I hope you know that this frustration is not aimed at any of you. I love you all very much and I would not be able to do any of this without you! Ash, it should go without saying how much you have done for me and for us. I love you very much thank you for being my better half!
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13 thoughts on “Coming Home – Thoughts on Life After Travel and What the Future Holds”
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We are Ashley and Alex and we're foodies and boozies who eat, drink and live local. Our goal is to scour the globe looking for inside local tips, the best places to eat and the best places to drink with the locals.
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Such a great post, fear can be so crippling to your goals. I often feel the same way and I am still trying to save so I can go off on my own permanent adventure. Often it seems like I should give up and just be a regular adult. It was great to hear about someone else’s struggles. I can’t wait to see you guys on your next trip!
I wrote this so people realized they are not alone on being afraid and frustrated. I believe at time a lot of travelers forget to tell people that life on the road is not perfect and that is hard, frustrating, and at time down right miserable. I am an open book and I want people to see that life as a blogger is not always perfect and that we all struggle. It make it easier to face our struggles when another person is facing similar difficulties. Thanks for the comment.
The majority of your life is ahead of you. The majority of people go through a retrospection after any major life event. THAT is where the growth is…not in the actual “doing” but in the “done” wherein arrives the knowledge and strength for the next step. You can never, ever get around the next corner on your life map unless you successfully have navigated the last corner.
I really appreciate this comment. It is not only the ups in life that makes life but it is how you respond to the downs. I appreciate this comment. Thank you so much for these words of wisdom.
Drats! My comment posted before I was finished…..
Keep your eyes forward and bring along the wiser you. You got this!!
Alex (and Ash too)… failing at one thing does not make you a failure, far from it. There is NO person over the age of 20 who has not failed. That is all part of the growth process (and the truth of it all is that we continue growing our entire life). If you read the biography of virtually every successful person you will see that they had rejections and failures that all led them to the thing at which they succeeded beyond belief. Those rejections and “failures” are the very reason they were able to eventually succeed. It’s sometimes hard to remember that the journey is the goal, not the destination. The journey is what brings us joy and love and growth and knowledge. And once we reach the destination… we have to find a new one and start another journey. Revel in the journey, my friends… THAT is what defines you, not what happened to you.
Thank you so much for this piece of wisdom! It is very true even though it is at times hard to remember. We are not going to let failure stop us but drive us to be better. I appreciate the comment!
Great post Alex!
The stick you use to measure your success or lack of, is always different than the ones who love you use.
To think that you are in your 20’s, you and Ashley have been to places and met friends that most of us only dream of. It is nice to have a goal to strive for but as your Grandmother, my Mom once told me “If you are always looking at what you don’t have, you miss out on what you do have.” Be good to yourself and to Ashley and don’t give up, just make adjustments and keep moving forward.
That is what we are going to do! We are going to make adjustments and move forward. It was frustrating having to come back home and in a sense restart. That is okay it will take a lot of failure to end up where we want to be. I am extremely appreciative of what we have done thus far! Thanks for the comment!
I’m about to go home after a year of travelling with my partner, and I can relate to so much of this. Taking a step backwards in returning to our old lives makes me feel defeated. And the fact that the trip is almost over makes me feel panicked, like maybe I haven’t made the most of it, and now it’s all going to end. It’s nice to know others are in the same boat. I know once I go home I won’t even be allowed to be sad. If I say anything about how I wish I was still travelling, I know it’ll be met with an attitude of “You’ve had a whole year away! You should be excited to be home again!”
You are exactly right! The panic does set in and it is hard to ignore the feeling that you have when you know the trip of your life time is over. I spend everyday reminding myself that what we just did was amazing and life changing, which it was! You know we learned a lot but coming home is still tough and there has been an adjustment period that Ash and I have been going through. Thank you so much for your comment.
Hi Alex,
I can’t imagine how wonderful all your and Ashley’s travel experience has already been like!
I also can’t imagine how much courage it has taken to you to write this piece and publish it and to give people you know and don’t know an insight to your weakest and vulnerable moments, that in itself shows a great deal of strength that you already carry in your heart, mind and soul!
But remember, life is made up of test and trials set in front of us always. I think the return home was meant to contribute to the bigger plan set for you and Ashley!
I was reading your piece and I all these thoughts came over me, like maybe they needed to go back and map out a plan for their travels even bigger than they had planned it the first time. Both have you have the experience now to know more and better.
Or maybe, they need this time to figure out how they could make a business earning from their travels, have you considered finding sponsors if you and Ashley could come up with the way your travels can create a positive impact on people? Now with technology such as Facebook Live Streaming, for example and Facebook 360 Degrees imagery you can add it to your online publishings.
It was meant to happen for things to work out the way they did and I would be so happy! Because that only means one thing when you hit rock bottom there is only one way to go and that is UP!
If there is a lesson I have learned since graduating and moving out to Dubai to work in the corporate world all on my own is this: You cannot control the world and what happens in it but guess what? YOU can control your life, it is the only thing you can give and take things from it and no one cant interfere in that! What an incredible thought right?
Alex and Ashley, we are still young! The best thing about being young is we are capable of getting over things fast by time. We still have time to have thousands of re-dos because its not too late. If you’ve done it once we all know you both will TRAVEL twice and three hundred times more because we all believe in you both!
Thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading about the part where you two have tickets booked for South America!
Thank you so much Dina for the comment. I am sorry that it took me so long to get back to you. I appreciate that you that you took the time to share some words of encouragement with us. We are working hard and have lots to do before South America. We are excited none the less. I know that we will be back out on the road soon! It is a good feeling that we know that we have support from all of you who follows us. We are young and we have time to make mistakes and continue to push forward. I hope all is well Dina, it has been to long since AUR. Where are you living at the moment? Ash and I should come visit.
Cheers, Alex